Chapter Close

Dear Earthlings,

(It seems like I want to make Earthlings a thing)

Right now I am writing this post, again, from my office cubicle.  My last day at the office today and from now on, I shall never look back.  Sometimes, I cannot express all feelings in one word. Because most of it, I was feeling so grateful.  It is not because "yeay, I am going out from this shithole" but it is because I am grateful that I survive this shithole and I make sure I am not only exiting it.  Whatsover.

My 1.5 years experience as an Account Executive has been very challenging.  I was a rather quiet person for an AE.  I was hesitant to start a conversation.  My English was pretty bad that time. Hence, I got bullied a lot in the office.  I received unpleasant treatment from my boss and colleagues.  Moreover, as a foreigner I had a visa or working permit situation here that pretty much topped the struggle I was facing.  False promises.  Being underpaid.  Actually, I am not a money-oriented person but would have been nice to be appreciated for what I have been doing.  It was a depressing time.  But my secret to this kind of situation, probably is to, just to push yourself.  Yesterday, I was in a story telling event called "Big Fish" where one of the speakers, Davina, told her story of being in a shaolin academy.  The pressure that she had received was physical.  So I could imagine, it could be more unbearable and incomparable.  But I agree that everything is in the mindset. 

I first thought humiliation that I received in my working environment was embarrassing.  Maybe it was, but then it built some kind of humility within me.  Humiliation is one thing that most intelligence, book-worm or a perfection-driven person can never accept and tolerance.  I guess they are afraid of being wrong or being not normal.  That is like their bottomline.  Maybe, I was that kind of person, although I was not really a perfectionist but I was very stressed when things not get in my way.  Let alone the embarrassment when people finds out.  Trust me, I am constantly living with people with high standards and sometimes I wonder if they are never tired from chasing flawless perfection.

I am not sure about myself, but what I can say about me is that I am determined.  For short task, I can never be focused.  It is so hard to be focused, except maybe for writing, that I can be focused. Sometimes this is what I do.  I am at the office, sneaking to write whilst watching my back for any people whom I am afraid will peek through my writing.  I feel like writing is always a private moment to me.  But sounds silly that I feel intimidated when people spying me writing, but at the end, I am going to publish a post anyway.  Maybe, because I do not like the feeling of people like watching me like that.

But I can say, I am always a curious person.  I always want to know what it likes until the end. Well, maybe that is the strongest reason I have been staying here.  It is like you watch a movie that will ends badly but you want to know how well it turns out.  I am simply hoping for a fairy tale ending.

So anyway, on 24th April which was my 22nd birthday I was planning to write a beautiful post about my accomplishments so far.  But yet, it flunk to the ocean because I was not feeling like it was my birthday.  It was just another day with cake and candles (and I had the least appealing part of the cake).  You can read more here

So since right now,  I am still having, gathering whatever positive energy left in myself.  I am just going to write anyway.

So this is post is to remind me, whatever bad day I have, I will look up this post and smile :

• On, December 2013 I went for my Southeast Asia backpacking trip with Erwin, Opi, Kalun and Esther.  New friends from Hong Kong and Indonesia whom I still keep close relation to.  I have heard so many stories, especially about New York because Erwin and Kalun had lived there before.  Exciting times.  I had been making friend and slept next to a cute stranger in a bus because I had no option
• On, January 2014 It was a new year, and I think I have discovered my second-tier of womanhood.  I elaborate it further in my poems, especially this one.  It involved... a man.  I rely on this man to boast my confidence.  It was a hard lesson for me and probably the only way to learn on my age, that I am a desirable woman.  Maybe upon, reading this, you will feel sad and think I am a poor innocent girl, but don't be. I know what I was doing and there was no regret.  It was a poor self confidence and insecurity, but then I felt like I did not regret anything, because I was so much better in ever with my body and self.
• February 2014 I begun my encounter with Lip Movement Poetry and PoetryCafe KL and has made a huge discovery in spoken-word poetry.  I have been performing, slamming and writing.  It is so great to have this huge round circle of friends and support.  And more other side in the writing :
• My poem for Senorita Zine will be published in May!
• Professor Ghulam has accepted my poetry that talks about Malaysia being a 2nd home
• I have managed to submit story for another anthology curated by my friend, Opi.  It is about media influence in people, how it reconnects or even destroy the society.  It will be awesome
• I am trying to finish a story...a novel this time, in correlation with #BulanNarasi but let'se see how things go
• Oh yeah, do not forget Hari Belia/The Youth Day on 23rd, 24th, 25th March.  I will perform there too!
• I do not know what more awesome things that happen between March and April.  I have gained friendship with new people by simple correspondence along the way. It was awesome. Because positive things happened in a reason of positive minds and attitude.  Sometimes,  I also feel tired to elevate my mood level too, but I am really keeping faith in my pocket that at the end everything will turn to be alright.
• Oh, I confessed to a guy I like.
• In terms of physicality I have achieved
• Nothing, but may be a few kg loss but I have taken Muay Thai class, Yoga, Pilates, and Spinning class... and Power Dance.  Yes, gym membership is helping me a with self-fitness and socialization. They were very welcoming and did not leave me with a big fuzz when I was about to leave.  So, if you allow me to promote,  I join membership at Peak Physique gym at Sogo, KL (this is not a paid advertorial, just me being sincere)  They had the best crew and staffs.  

Anyway,

If anyone find this post intimidating, don't be.  Because I have no mean to irritate and I am nothing but an ordinary girl with ordinary talent but I have faith and drive to make a difference.  It never occurred to me that someday I am going to read my poetry and perform again.  I thought that I have buried and closed them under the soil.  But then you might not know right.

So if you are the kind of person who feels intimated by someone's little success... Well, I gotta say... It sucks to be you.  Because you will always have this pattern of thinking forever if you do not start and choose to do whatever you like.

I really do not know how to close this post to and end.  Really.  Just like I do not want to close myself from every adventure.  I want to catch every single one in my hand.  I am not finished.