Stop Crying Your Heart Out





'Cos all of the stars are faded away
Just try not to worry 
You'll see them someday
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out


I remembered listening to Oasis's Stop Crying Your Heart Out on my first week of 2-month work placement in Mumbai. It was a quiet night in July, I was looking ahead to the ocean from my window. As I listened to this song, I vowed. If things are going difficult for me, I better pack up and move forward with all the current supply I have.

Shortly after that I was challenged.

Eight months ago, I began to see a man, who is not a stranger. We probably met 3 years ago but we haven't had the chance to get close to one another. Until we decided to meet often for dinners, movies and started to engaged in more conversations and private activities, just the two of us.

I was not planning to fall in love with this guy, even though I found him interesting and attractive. From the beginning, he stressed to me that he was not looking for anything serious. I felt a tinge of disappointment, but I brushed it off. I ignore his red flags, simply because I was a single girl, he was a single man, we were attracted to each other and I felt like I wanted to make the best out of everything even though this was not a relationship. I would be glad that I have a man friend to go with me to movies and talk to me every night. This could not hurt as much, I think.

Yet deep down, I secretly planted a hope that someday I can make him love me, it will take time and I have to be very patient with him.

But it doesn't work that way. A long way down the road, things got very messy. My sensitivity heightened and I was easily jealous. Back then, he was still strung up on his ex and I became very obsessed about every girl he talked to. Whenever I asked for certainty, he would always give his mental issue (and lately "I am a polyamory excuse") as a back up receipt behind his rejection slip.

I stayed for months, even though he did not really ask me to stay.

But even so, he did things the opposite ways. He still looked for me, even more when I tried to ignore him or whenever he felt like something bad was going to happen. He sent me good morning and good night texts and called me sweet names. I was confused and this just made me became more persistent and determined, that yes I could change him!

But when I confronted him, he was upset to the fact that I tried to analyze these little gestures he gave that probably meant nothing. He felt bad because I had grown too attached but instead of saying "I am sorry" and vanished politely... he played a victim and left me hanging.

We started to accuse one another. He accused me of being a control freak and I accused him of being a total asshole.  Maybe they are all true though, but we were playing victims and these accusations were not helpful in constructing a healthy relationship. It only made the ship sunk.

I let him treat me like shit (at one point, he brought along a plus one and let me be in the same room with his other girl), he began to be less responsive, less attentive and he had absolutely no time for me (he said he is busy at work, but he could attend multiple movie screenings in a week, yea right) but I was fine with it because I really wanted to be with him so bad and I didn't realize it slowly erodes everything I have built for myself. All of my achievements, dreams...

I am accustomed to wake up in the morning and feel constantly empty. I wish that I could just stay asleep and never wake up.  I become easily irritated. My soul's paralysed, I cannot even write good stuffs or basically write anything at all. I may put on a smile, but inside I am crying.

I have been asking for advices. I start trusting my close friends, if it wasn't enough I started to talk to more friends that aren't close to me (sometimes I regret it) at one point I was so desperate I had to talk to my parents (I regret it even more) and even to a therapist (not really helping).

For these 8 months, I am glad I still have a support system but like it or not, everyone will be left weary and drained, including myself. Thankfully I have one best friend who attends to me and gives a free advice just as good as a therapist but again I know deep down she is tired of listening, she doesn't want to say it but stays anyway because she doesn't want me to be alone.

I watched motivational videos and read motivational stuffs (mostly from Jay Shetty), but it only make things worse. Because they are talking about the same shit--focus, determination, and hard-sell positivity--when I don't know where to start myself.

Some say that I deserve better, but I was so damn tired that my heart stop believing that I deserve anything good, anything better than this shitty man. Even though in fact, in my fucking heartbeat, I know this ain't true. But when you are depressed, you start believing in nothing at all. Your power that once radiates inside you is slowly dimmed... and dies.

Hell, I bought a healing stone and joined a stress release class. This problem drove me to visit a therapist clinic (actually I am proud of it for being able to experience sitting in a mental clinic) These things are gimmicky, it helped me for a while but then I toppled down again. I was on the floor, begging for his love as if that was the only thing that matter.

So if you ask me (and if you don't, I am just going to tell you anyway) how do I start the move on process, it doesn't come over night.

Some of your friends can cry for a day, move on the next day and get a boyfriend/girlfriend by next month maybe they are well-trained to heartbreak. I admit, I am not trained for this shit.

I took me days, weeks and months before I realize I need to leave this toxic situation. I've searched for the trigger, I've listened to many people until it irate me.

I guess the key is acceptance and I guess you will begin to accept things after you are extremely tired, after you have exhausted your weapons, your fight, your hopes to this person--don't get me wrong, that is a good sign.

You don't have to be your friends who are the expert of moving on. You will be eventually.

Even in my case, I am still afraid of relapse. In my head, I still think about having a private conversation with him again after 2 months of silence. I fantasize of the stuffs I would say to him, every scenario when I bump into him. But then if I think again, considering how rude his last response to me was, I don't think I will bother anymore.

I don't bother to check his social media. I avoid to see him, his face and even the mention of his name at all cost, because it still hurts me.

This wasn't my first time trying to break free and move on, but it was always hard because I was always curious. Before this successful attempt of moving on, I failed.  I stalked him, saw the things he wrote and posted, get upset because he hung out with a new girl I didn't know, another girl flirted with him online... and it was a truly hellish circle.

And I know he didn't want to stop it for me, so I had to stop this circle for myself. I block him for good. I give myself a timeline. 1 day, 3 days, 1 week... a month...

This has only been 10 days of me removing him from my life, and I am still sad and glad. I am glad because I gain back my focus and become less attached. I am sad that this has to end this bad. He is a friend. We travel together, we work together, but if he is bad for me than he is bad for me. He might be a good match to a girl, but that girl is not me. I can be a bad match for him and I should not make things happen.

If it is meant for us, I believe the universe will conspire.

8 months.

For 8 months, the universe has been screaming in front of my face and I was a complete dumbass and so blind (or just act like a true Taurus)

And I wish that I could have done this sooner. I bet it would be painless.

For those of you who experience the same pain with me. My advices are as simple as: stop before it hurts your further. You don't have to travel the world right now, start a company to prove that you are better than him/her, you don't have to but if you have a stronger attitude you are already winning.

Create a short term goal and reward yourself.  Don't jump into conclusion. I could not imagine me writing these shits down, because 10 days ago, I was still mourning and hoping.

If I can do it, you can do it.

Love,
Ayu

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