Don't

This is a post written for Suicide Prevention Day

Hi All,

It is September already and we are getting closer to the end of the year. I learned that yesterday was a Suicide Prevention Day (10th September). I hope I am not to late for making a post. When we talk about Suicide, we cannot ignore depression as a trigger.

I guess whoever and wherever you are, I am with you. I, sometimes think that I need to learn about self-control. I can be happy in this minute than I can be very grimm the next minute. It happens and it does not feel good to feel shit about myself. 

When I open up to my family about my sadness — to my family who are conservative, goodie-goodie and normal, they do not believe in a terms called "depression". They believe it is a label given from a doctor to scam you for medicines and all you need to do is just relax and pray, be closer to God. Some said that 'depression' and 'suicide' are results for someone not having enough practice of religion and lack of faith.

I guess I am not up to the point where I want to slit my wrist or chug the whole pint of poison. I will never do self-harm. But at some points, there were times when my mind is completely a mess and suicidal. In some days, I kept saying to myself "I hate this" and "Oh, I wanna kill myself". But it some other days, I can be very happy and talkative. I listen to India.Arie all day long.

Trust me, I myself is trying to be the best that I can. I see everybody is doing well with their lives. Some of my friends are graduating from Master's schools, some give birth to their baby, some looks busy in their jobs and some are in a new relationship and ready to settle down.

It has been a year after I settle in Jakarta, and it is not really up to my expectation. I thought I could explore and master advertising copywriting but it does not turn out well. My love life — well, the boy I used to love or really really like, is now getting back with his ex and this is after he broke my heart by dating a new girl. He always chooses me over someone else and he cannot tell me why. While I am trying to understand what this means and be happy for him even I feel like I do not want to — even if I keep playing victim.

Some of my close friends cheer me up by saying there must be a reason for everything that happens in our life. 

Everyday I wonder if He can tell me what He wants me to be: a faithful wife? a professor? a regular employee? a great poet? who am I?

I am still a copywriter, but working independently and pretty much have the whole time to herself to improve herself and be free. We might live in a notion where we need to work for someone else or in a company to survive, but I believe there are other ways. 

I am single, which is cool — or not, that really depends on how many lover birds you have in your social media accounts. But at least, I know some guys who are not meant to be together with me. There are plenty awesome guys out there who will appreciate me — no matter what kinds of clothes I wear, bikini or hijab and no matter what size I am, hoping it will not be his main concern — it will be unconditional for both of us.

I left this morning from a creative talk about empathy. Well, in my shoes, talking about this heartbreak, I am sad for this to the point that I think we shouldn't be friends— but at the same time, I am thinking if I am being crazy too. But for them, they are two people who are in love and what is so wrong with that?

I still have my family, parents and friends who are there for me. I admit my family, even they tend to disagree with me in so many things. They are real supporters whom I resent the most, sadly. I guess, it is also the fact that I do not want to burden them. I am 23. By now, I should find something on my own and establish myself. My family might mistake me from being stubborn and selfish, but my frustration is actually a sign that I care, in a way that, I can do this myself.

I was doing well when I was 21. I lived by myself. I shared apartment with friends. I live in a city that is more organized — but today, Kuala Lumpur or Malaysia in general has a major turmoil — even Jakarta or Indonesia is pretty much the same, I guess it is better to suffer in your own land, don't you think? — But not really, considering prices are high and job vacancy is low in this crisis. 

Anyway, I am not saying that I do not have something better to do today. Obviously, I enjoy writing compared to being an account executive. 

If I review a year of my life, I do not predict what ever will happen. It just happens. I sometimes consider this as a 'punishment' from Him from being too far away, but I do not want to assess everything in a religious point of view — a spiritual view, yes, definitely.

I realize what I lack in myself is somehow determination though it does not mean that I am not determined. I am a determined person only with a guidebook. If I was not determined maybe I would not finish my Bachelor or go to 10-week writing class eventhough I think it was so boring. It depends. 

So for those of you, who feels sad, depressed and suicidal — you are not alone. You are doing great and well. Think about who loves you and who are there for you when you are down. Sometimes, your family and your close ones do not understand, but there are friends who will understand you and experience the same thing or even more intense.

If you are in Indonesia visit http://get-happy.org/

Please, take care of yourself and you are worth it. And by the time I am publishing this post I have doubts with myself too. I am trying my best not to label my fears and use them against what keeps me from being happy.

Look forward and everything will get better. I promise you.

Love,

Ayu