Get Yourself Some Loving!

Few days ago, I went to Bandung for the sake of getting a fresh air.  Jakarta and its complexity has exhausted me, so it was nice to wake up with cold fresh air and take a walk in a moderately spacious area.  Now that I am a struggling freelancer for a start.  Now I have all the time I need to really do something that I truly want and be productive at it.  I think making this decision is definitely a challenge for me.  Luckily, I have two opportunities at early stages.  So, I am going for it, trusting my gut.   Even so, it is sort of crazy. 

I have always dreamed of being a freelancer.  In fact, I have always dreamed of becoming everything--like copywriter, I used to dream to be a copywriter.  The idea of exercising creativity with words and having a chance to develop it into a unique creative campaign excites me.

But then what I have been ending up with is extreme exhaustion, mentally and physically.  It is not that I cannot handle working pressure, you may judge me but trust me, I am not afraid of toil (what a true hufflepuff soul).  But it seems like, whenever I step into the office, my mind is flying somewhere.  I think about my poetry, my blog, what novel stories I need to develop.  The idea has been there ever since I started an office job.  Some of directors, notice this, and I have been told a lot that I might have something inside my head that hinder my performances.  For me, I see it as an evaluation of what I truly want.  I have never taken their words in a hard way, but yes, it helps me realize that I need to do something about it.

Besides, who wants to brainstorm until 2am in the morning for some forced, premature ideas that will get cancelled in the next 6 hours?!

So, starting as a freelancer.  It is just a nice way to start.

But every coin has two side and it is not also easy being a person who works by herself.  There is no colleague support and office space that really wants to make yourself going.  It is hard.  I keep on procrastinating and I hate myself.

It turns out that managing your own self is just as hard as working as a team.  You need to discipline yourself.

Funny thing is, I have thought myself as an independent person.  I do not have a boyfriend.  I live far from my parents and I am okay if I spend days not talking to anyone.  I am a person who think that I can survive without others.

But right now, it feels otherwise. I need people.  Desperately.  I want conversation.  I want talk.  I want humor.  It surprises me that I feel so needy this much.

So, in Bandung,  I have wished that my brother could accompany me to walk and I had plan to meet with a good friend I know.  But my brother was so busy with his study and he has his own clique of friend and my good friend (we used to be so close at some point) was unable to see me because he was also busy.

Everybody was busy and I was also busy walking down Jalan Progo by myself at one afteroon and Jalan Dago at one morning.  I used to enjoy my time alone, like watching movies, walking, I mostly enjoy doing things solo.  But at that point, it makes me realize how much I miss companionship. I need friends.

I keep thinking to myself.  This must be a lesson to how to love myself when you are alone.  To get to know myself.  It is about self-love.

Pff, I said, I have been spending most of my time alone.  I know myself pretty well. Studying myself repetitively like this exhaust me.  All of my friends seem to have all the answers, from marriage, masters in overseas and promising career... why am I here?Single, not anywhere near security for my career and education... I might have been working harder than others. I mean I know some girls who are getting married to secure their lives and it somehow upsets me to see their action.  Yes, I have been working hard, praying hard, studying hard--I have always been the top of the class. I have been a good, strong girl.

It is really frustrating to think about it over and over.  

But, quoting the late Yani Libel's words, written 12 hours before he had his heart attack. 

"I think life is about looking up to the sky, but it is about looking down to the ground."

It is true. Maybe it is another lesson (I hope the last) to remind me to be thankful of what I am having.  I am still thankful for my life, I get to eat, spend my money for food, shelter and clothes.  I have my degree in this frustrating economy. I am glad that I have climbed over the dark pit from last year, when I get so rebellious and depressed, but it was only because some things have been influencing me a lot.  It was just an overwhelming period.  

I am not trying to let myself down anyway. Because I know how it feels to be busy, but when someone is important to you, you will spare sometime.

My brother ended up taking me to antique shops and we had some coffee.  It is surprising to know that we have grown into young adults, the topic of our conversation has widely expanded.  I get to meet my old friend Nindy, who is so nice, taking me for a short evening tour in Bandung.  But for my other good friend, he could not make it.  

Anyways,

I am posting less because I am really focusing on my writing project.  Now poetry and short stories are exclusively shared in my classified documents.  Finger crossed, I am hoping to independently publish and printed them by this year :) Insyaallah

Whatever you are doing,  dream on, work on.