Name-calls, body image and things...

Dear Earthlings,

This week, I haven't felt any kick to continue my story yet. But in the other hand, a monologue is playing inside my head.

It might seem superficial but it does not make it less true and I believe I am not the only person who have experienced this. I am 21 year old full-figured young lady with height below average. (maybe I am just 5'3'')  I am thankful for what I am today. I was born with perfect limb and entire body system. But I had been living in a small hometown, where name-calling is tolerable daily. It has been 6 years that I had not encountered the problem. I felt like people that surround me have been growing up. People treat me the way I am but somehow there is a little part of me that is hard to forgive and forget. Boys and girls, young and old, some people had been putting into a hurtful situation which I just couldn't dismiss. Some boys in my high school used to call me "Shrek" (that's a horrible one), and some adults in my neighborhood encouraged me to stay thin, so that I can look better, but for what? I assume it will mean so that I can attract people to like me.

If I have a question in mind, have they ever thought of how it is to be like me, or like other people who shares physical appearance as I do? Yes, people were not born different from each other. Tall, thin, short, curvy, white, dark... There are times that you think you are not pretty, and there are parts of your body that you don't like, at least you have never been called names.

Maybe some boys and girls who had been calling me names for fun, or seriously, they had never been put in the same situation, and what makes them so great to calling people names?

Sometimes it irritates me.

I don't believe that I need to improve my look for people to like me. But this is the kind of perspective that I sometimes deny, that people most of the time buy. That explains how careless I can be for myself, because no matter how much I am trying to be pretty, I can never see myself as pretty as everyone else. That's why I don't bother to take a good picture. That's why I rarely do dress up. Maybe, I am trying to defend myself from getting hurt again. I don't bother to try to look perfect when knowing that I can never look like a million bucks.

It also influences my point of view on the opposite attraction. I always think that men are superficial. I know some are just not, but most of the guy I met, I am familiar with their preferences, you know those Korean girls, skinny, fair-skinned... like how can I even begin to compare?

I know this post seems extremely bitter, and I might seems like a very insecure young woman. Don't get me wrong, I am a girl who occasionally enjoys dancing only in my underwear, in front of the mirror to my favorite song, yet, I reach this melt down.

Maybe I just need proof. Maybe I am an attention-seeker, but only in my lifetime I beg, (and please, in the sea of instagram users, can I just be excused?) I need a man who sincerely tell me how beautiful I am more than anything in the universe... I think that is all girls want to hear. I think it is fundamental as human to be desired. A man who does not want to miss my beauty every single day. A man who will never leave, or put me wasted. A man who can love me equally with respect and passion.