Writer's block, anyone?

Good Morning Earthlings,

For me, it is too early to start worrying. Here I am on Friday Morning, sitting inside my working station, checking my emails and spending sometimes to find blogs to read about. Those blogs are nicely and well-written, I have to admit. Then, finally it strikes me again. I think, it is positive that I am having a writer's block.

... Seriously, even when I do not how to continue this paragraph. That's how severe my writer's block is.

Writing used to be fun for me and it comes naturally. I know that someday I will find myself hard to accumulate ideas in my mind and jolt it down onto a blank microsoft word document file, but I never expected that it is going to be this tough.

Maybe I am used to having stories in my mind or moreover, I am used having my stories being read and celebrated by others. Because back in those days, I used to write a lot and those writing came unasked and unplanned and it managed to get published in several national's publications. See, sometimes, I don't feel deserved to tell the stories about my past accomplishment. I, myself, consider it as self-boasting, eventhough I realize there are more self-loathing, self-praising people out there, who are more expressive than me. If I may invite a term to describe my situation, that it would be "inpressive". Yep, that's a word "inpressive" it is a term to be used when you are keeping or express your feeling inside like an ultimate introvert.

By the way, I was googling the term "Writer's block" and found some interesting fact that matches my current emotional situation. I also searched for ways to overcome it... but I feel like putting an attitude, and say, "Ain't nobody got time fo' that."

...You see, I am getting out of track.

I know it's bad but it's not like I have not even tried to overcome this. I am trying to exercise, I am trying to spend more time shopping in flea market, I am trying every possible chance to get myself busy.

I cannot blame entirely on my work. I actually am thankful now that I have a job, because I get something to get busy about. To put my 101% focus to something else that entirely different. And, thank god, I work in advertising agency, so I can find that trigger to ignite any possible writing ideas by brainstorming.... well, they say inspiration will meet you halfway. I just hope that it is true.

I think I still need to find a discipline to read some books as reference, because honestly, I find reading 9gag, watching video game walkthrough or series are much more entertaining to do before I snooze off at night.

... Okay my brain starts to really stresses me out a lot. Hence, begins some more overthinking.

Funny thing is, sometimes I browse through and find my posts are a bit funny because it feels like positive but concealing. It is true though, you might find me regular in person but inside it's like giant dark cloud here.

Back to references, yep, talking about that. I actually read both Indonesian and English books, and  everytime I finish reading I tend to get inspired easily. It's like when I watch "Adaptation" for the second time, it actually triggers me to break into this isolation until now. Yep, back again, I am so easily distracted. Thing is, I have been reading more references in English. I have been reading different references of different genre and writers. Actually, back in those days when I used to write a lot, I didn't read much and it was almost shameful. But I love to spend marathon in cinema just watch whatever movie that is playing. I like to watch scifi movie and fantasy. Then, I figured, well I am growing up now, so I might need to find other references that might have been suitable for me and help me grow into a mature character.

I always re-tell this story a lot, that I once joined a film club in college. There, I befriended with talented young people but rather idealist. I like their taste, but not most of the time. I like to write and watch something that is not commercial but enjoyable and has message. But their works for me are mostly artsy and tend to be pushy. It is a good work but I feel like there's no message to convey. Where's the core? A good work means nothing if it has no foundation.

And ever since I have joined their creative process, I feel myself shifted. My way of thinking shifted. I might have caught some of them back-talking about my writing style. They felt like my writing is very explicit, one even mentioned that my writing was much more like "sinetron"-style... what a bitch. Don't blame me, what's the point of writing if emotions are only kept and needs to be decoded? Are we supposed to communicate to readers?

I cannot blame them entirely, because from them, I start to appreciate Indonesian readings, especially on contemporary literatures. I started to appreciate Dewi Lestari from them and other good Indonesian writers I came across. It expands my knowledge too.

Then I become fascinated by English books and started to read some Paulo Coelho, John Green, Mitch Albom... Those spiritual, soulful readings that makes you earthy, humble. Then, I tried to write too in English. Although I realize that my way of writing is simple and hardly elaborated, I notice that English has been growing into my comfort language too. 

Then, receiving many good references on both languages, creates a challenge, which language I should concentrate on? I think it is better for me to write in Indonesian, but to give readers more broad perspective than other Indonesian literatures which nowadays are mostly about love and K-Pop... I am no one to judge here, but it is true though.... Anyway, most of Indonesian great writers write occasionally in English too, that doesn't mean their English sucks. So...

... Now, I am watching my reflection of both of my hands moving on the keyboard, very rapidly and gracefully against the dimmed laptop screen.

I hope I can write soon.