A Daydream after

For previous read : A tall, broad stranger...

Mike said that he would not mind to wait. 

"After all, I am only saying thing that you should have heard of, directly from me." that was the last sentence he said to me before, "good night," and then he went to sleep. His strong arms were hugging my waist. I was tied so close to him. I was in a right place indeed. The best place I could have ever imagined. However, I was not able to bring myself into a sound and safe sleep. I begged my mind to shut because I was just too exhausted.

Yes, Mike said that he wanted to wait. But until how long?

I could not promise him anything.

When the morning rose, we gathered for breakfast. Jani and her mother had prepared the strangest but the most lip-smacking plateful of nasi goreng that I had ever tasted in my life. However, Jani kept asking me if the breakfast served was not delicious. "You looked bothered." that's what she assumed, then she wondered if she had put too much chili on the dish. Then I said that I did not mind taking much more chili because I really liked spicy food.

"We have a same palette after all." I commented.

Jani smiled, "It is just that I am worried, because you look like as if you are unwell."

"I am well." I, of course, lied. But Jani, knew that I am a terrible liar.

I was trying my best, not to trace Mike who stood before me. Taking puffs from hand-rolled cigarettes the men made outside. He leaned against the door frame. I realised that they were about the same height. He kept inhaling and exhaling out of the rolls while conversing with the men using his limited proficiency of Indonesian. Even so, the men seemed very pleased to interact with that tall, broad and blonde stranger.

"Cengkih? Cingkih?" he repeated the word over and over as he waved his roll to the men.

"It is clove." I came and cleared the situation. 

A smirk appears and arches that pale thin lips. The best thing that rose after the Sun that morning. He placed his palm on the top of my head. "Oh, hey there." he shook me gently. Then, I walked into his open arms and stayed there for a couple of minutes. Wondering, will he ever remind me.

Mike and I met when we pursued our masters study in Brisbane. We were under the same university, and faculty. We studied social science. I took Philosophy and he took Anthropology. He was just two years older than me. Clearly, it was not hard to connect to each other. Mike was as just smart and as talented as me.  His passion was taking candid pictures and to paint. Simply, we were alike. We had been a couple for two years, and yet, we stirred into each other so quickly, didn't we?

I didn't know how to carry this on. For me, the obstacles were uncanny. We were raised by different background and culture. Both of us consider ourselves as a children of the Earth. Bre as It sounded fun to say that I loved him as well. It seemed fun to have a wedding in a forest with bare-footed guests, with wildflowers slithering our wedding arch. It was lovely to imagine us having kids, watch them play in the field while we would be cuddling on the hammock. However, even though how hard I fought for this, I knew it would not work. Because, I did not want any of these. It is not because I do not want to, it is because I cannot take a commitment for a reason. For a strong reason.

"Dammit, Alice! If you are unable to love me just say it!" It was 32 hours later when we met behind close door. It was nearly late night and he screamed as we talked in our chamber.

"No, that is not true..." my voice shattered. I thought that I would have prepared myself. Played with his emotion and take advantage from this inconvenient time.

"If it is not true, then why can't you say it?"

There, came the question that I ever feared of. Looking at me were his soften blue marble eyes. I could sense that there was a tint of silent apology in those pairs. Until, he said to me again.

"Jesus, Alice! If you cannot say it then that is fine. I am not angry!" but the way he spoke to me says otherwise, "I had been travelling all the way down the rocky road. I had to bear all the mosquito bites on my arms and legs. I suffered from dehydration. This is the first time for me, exploring the wilderness out here. Outside my country. I am not another lazy tourist that stroll down and constantly making stop at every souvenir shop. I really wanted to make this work.  So can we just please have talk in other time? Please?"

Before he even finished talking, my legs were turning jelly-weak. I told my body to stop from trembling. But I could not fight it. Tears were soothing my face which turned from sunburn-dried to moist. Is this what I really want?

We were feet apart from each other and we did not even stare into each others' eyes. I could not believe that we traveled this far for a fight. 

"You needed to stop overthinking and overlooking things, okay!" he bursted out as he slipped off his stained and drenched t-shirt of his toned-build. "I know you have been thinking a lot about this lately. You cannot lie to me."

Overthinker. That was he always pointed me as. And I would always feel little less than a lunatic for being called so. So, I tried to shake everything out of my system. Ignoring what had been said by him. Carefully, when he was not looking around, I tried to manage standing on my feet and taking a drag out of his burnt joint on the coffee table.

It was not the usual sugary-taste that lingered on my tongue. Then, there was a fire that bit my lungs. So, I hacked the ball of peppery smoke out of throat.

"What are you doing?" Mike jumped in front of me and take the cigarette out of my hand.

"I am testing my limit."

"What limit?" He startled and those marble blue eyes were pinching at me. They were examining me, before he put a mild peck against my shivering lips. It almost felt like a cure to me.

"I am sorry." He whispered as both of our temples met. I could feel the breeze of his breath swept on my skin. Inside those glimmering I found my happy-go-lucky tiger again when he laughed, "Just take it slow kiddo, it is not like I am asking you to marry me."

Then I was stunned. After he landed me other more warm strokes on my lips, my heart swirled and I was completely lost in him. He knew how to console me well. Only one thing I said to him which made him drawing his face away.

"Will you?"

To be continued