Dear Self,

Dear self...

I know you are currently waiting for your designer to finish his work. You might be anxious and now you are using this small amount of time to write in your blog, you become even more anxious, don't you?

Anxious, seems like a new word you learn within the past week.

It is not like you have never heard of it, but you finally are capable to understand it and feel it. Anxiety scares you. I know.

Note that this post that I am writing is for you and you only. Primarily, not for the Earthlings or the so-called visitors that read this blog. Those whom you are not sure whether they actually read these or not. Since I am feeling okay and neutral, then I thought why don't I write you a piece of note so that you don't forget.

You are anxious (seems like I am going to repeat this word over and over) because you don't have much to do in your life.  You are anxious because your other friends have something to do with their lives. Let it be marriage, travelling, friends and boyfriends... and there you live on your own in your apartment. You are anxious because you thought writing would help you to go all through that. You thought that writing will define you. But is it though?

First, forget about what other people's business. You know that deep down you are not interested with their business. You do not want to get married so fast. You are young. You do not want to spend money to travel unless if you are going somewhere far and exotic, like Istanbul or Beirut. Your social life is actually doing fine if you start to pay attention to people around you. Thank God, to the girl talks you had last night, now you know who and where the good, easy-going, Indonesian kids are hiding in this city. So you just don't have to worry much, and I know you are doing better in socializing. Please understand that, I am saying this not because I feel pity or I need you to take thing slow... but, whatever, you are going to feel that way, aren't you? I am pointing these out because I think you need to appreciate yourself before you proceed to whatever it is you have ahead.

Second, about your writing. I know that you love writing since young. You appreciate good words and literature... but you know what? I think you don't. 

Yes, you wrote a lot during your school time. Family, friends and strangers were reading your stories, and you get used to being praised and celebrated. I don't really want to say, "let's forget about that", because it is your personal accomplishment and a remark to your lifetime. It actually means something to you.

...again, I think as a writer you are not trying so hard. I mean, you don't really appreciate books and words, do you? You are not a speed-reader. You keep book for collection, some you read and some you don't. And people say, that a good writer is a good reader. Well, I don't buy that.

I think it defines what inspire you. I know you like to watch movies a lot. You like to become pretentious and watch some good titles. Words bore you while moving pictures work. You know what Ayu, you actually have a good taste in movie, or at least not bad. You know which movies are lousy and which ones are not. So watch many movie as you can. Did you remember those time when you would watch 2 movies in a row alone in theater? Did you remember, it was "Jumper" that inspired your first story to be featured in national magazine?

I know you currently open people's blogs, only to compare your writings and theirs. I think you have lost your confidence in your writing. Let me tell you, speaking as your subconscious, your writing skill is beyond average, and you are good to go for any competition out there. I know you are not a type of person who is comfortable to boast about what they are capable of. You are damn humble, that you let everyone eats your virtue. Please, do not let that happen. You can write better.

You know you have a big dream. Seeing your book featured in the largest national bookstore chain, moreover you want to see your book featured as the best seller ones. It is damn ambitious, isn't it? So know you know, that you don't have to send your manuscript to publisher that is unheard of. Publisher that produce work that is commercial. Of course, it is easy to say. Hey, I am your subconscious. I am your true voice and you know, someday you would like to see yourself succeed as a writer... or somebody big enough to be referred to in the industry.  Just like people behind twitter accounts that you follow. I am saying this Ayu, because you know that your goal is different from others. Therefore, you are different from any other writer. So, why bother? Do you want to make a difference or just have at least one book published and die happily?

I know you cannot answer that. What is the purpose of your writing?

If you cannot answer that than you are not ready to write, Ayu.

I guess you are infatuated by the idea of being a creative person. Living with people who share the same passion. You think of New York and its free spirited population. To search for a place and group to belong with. Are you damn serious? Because those people might have different stories than you and it matters. Matter more than your stories, because they struggle. You do struggle to but it is nothing much. Is writing for the sake of social status? I am not sure yet, but it is not likely, because you are avoiding those kind of people. But if you do, then I'll be ashamed of you.

If you are writing for your therapy, about things that continuously affect you from the past,  well, all I can say, that those fantasies are duly needed. You know that, now you have a life, work and friends to actually live in. What is the fantasy for? It is hard to put it to you, but... Stay grounded. I know you very well since you were young. You have a very bold and big imagination that you relive daily and it consumes you. I don't know if there are people who can relate to this.

But if you believe that you are grown-up, a young adult who has reached her turning point. Then write something new. Write something you want to read. Write something positive. I know you have much more to write about, you cannot be more thankful of what God and life has shown you. You are growing into a better person. You have met incredible people. You learn thing, and your job, eventhough it makes you frustrated almost all the time, but you are thankful that you have something else to do and you get paid for it.

And, if you really want it. Make it happen. And don't stop because of what other people have said and done. I know it is your fear to be criticized but just face it. Just remember nothing is right or wrong, so don't punish yourself.

Maybe the greatest inspiration is yet to be written and all you have to do is making the best whilst waiting. I am sure inspiration will meet you along the way. And once you find it, you'll see what stands you as different from others.

You are nothing ordinary for this.

It is good that you thought of this thorough, I am sure not many can cope with this anxiety. So just survive this and learn to love again.

(P.S : back to reality now. All eyes are on you.)