The Fault in Our Stars : A Personal Review

Okay,  I am going to join the latest teenage and tweenies sensation that is The Fault in Our Stars the movie.  Adapted to the screenplay from the book under the same title from John Green, this movie has given me all the feels.

I admit I feel a bit pretentious by answering, "Yes I have" when a friend came to ask, "Hey Ayu have you ever read the book before it was made into the film?"  Because I am quite bad at reading.  Sometimes I might forget the plot or I cannot visualize the whole story.  Except if I have gone obsessed with it, for example with Dewi Lestari's Partikel.

I think it came a very good time I choose this movie out of 6 selections of other summer blockbuster played in the cinema.  I kinda need the lift to feel positive after watching It Is Kind of A Funny Story and learned that the author took his life.  I have to admit that I was in the middle of a depression, because of altering myself from coming back to my hometown which has less vibrant activities. I felt almost dead.  Like there was some kind of terminal cancer in my mental health.  You have no idea.  I used to be active and independent, but somehow in here, I cannot do the things I want to do.  Though, I have been teaching myself to be positive.  Growing some mantra like "It was all in your mind."--and it is true.  

Even though the film itself is very depressing.  It is about two kids with cancer who fall in love with each other.  The premise is strong as it is and it helps me to heal.  Augustus Waters help me to heal.

Infamous Gus' line at the beginning of the story

I feel related to him.  Gus has a dream to have a remarkable lifetime, having his story to be told and make whatever mark it is in the world.  Which is a positive attitude.  But there is a time when we cannot get everything that we want and it leads to a meltdown.  For Gus, driving down to a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes to show that himself is still capable of handling thing independently is definitely what I feel right now.  I really want to take charge of my life like used to.  But somehow small things make me discouraged.  

Before this, I forgot how it is to be thankful.  I teach myself over and over.  But then, when Hazel reminds Gus that he is special enough to those who care about him, and that's all he gets. Apparently, Gus' (I'd rather not say a cocky attitude) loud character is a camouflage what he has been feeling inside.  He has fear too.  Unlike Hazel who sounds open and bitter about her condition but at least she is honest.  I am not patronizing Gus, but I just felt the character is so real.  

You would not know that I am here sitting, sobbing whilst writing this post right?  You would not know that the celebrity who looks so perfect in that cocktail dress would have to suffer months without eating to get her physique fit? You would not know that the quiet stranger next to you in a bus might feel sad because he has just burned his breakfast.  Imagine what you believe in is a let down.  Like the favorite novel you own and its brilliant author.

The way things seem is not really what it is.

And I have been a fool to feel depressed because of this small situation.  My friends often told me that I have been pressuring myself.  It is true to see how naive I am.  I do believe that every each one of us want to be remembered for what we have done.  Yes, I always want to be known as a successful journalist/writer/media figure, and I think living with dreams is important in our lives. But what if the pressure we put to ourselves make us unhappy instead?  

So screw making remarkable things happens, I am just going to live and let life take charge!

It is true what Lennon said, "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans."

It is silly that I teach myself too often, not to care about anyone else opinion, but guess what, I still care.  While  I am finding flaw in myself, I secretly find flaw in others.  To make myself feel less bad and much better  (vicious?).  Somehow I need an approval or acknowledgement that what I have done is right and good.  But screw it, true measure of appreciation comes within ourselves.

Quoting Hazel that "Some Infinite are bigger than other infinite but my love Gus, you gave me forever between the infinite numbered days and I am grateful."

Oh, and this is an open thank you note to Mr John Green himself,

So, thank you John Green and I am sorry that I do not read your book carefully.  I am just gonna read Paper Town for the first time really carefully now as well as re-reading The Abundance of Katherine and Looking for Alaska... Thanks for your soulful, heartfelt and honest story.  Your story is holistic and umm... Please never took away your own life, Awesome

XO,

Your fan Ayu