Reality in a Bell Jar

Bell Jar reference in my most favorite (depressedly entertaining) movie

Reality Bites, who does not know about this movie?  Star-studded production in the early 90s with Ethan Hawke and Winona Ryder talks about the struggle of living as a twentysomething.  It is a story of overcoming complexity of our youth, an ambition to be independent, more adventurous, secured and loved. Sometimes you cannot get things the way you want it.  I was not a valedictorian, but I was falling a few step behinds them.  I used to be very good student, but life shits for now.  No one can guarantee your academic performance or result for a good placement in a future, NO.

Things have been changed ever since I have left my 1,5-year--or 2 year job on May.  I used to live in a great capital city that has integrated transportation system and foreign groceries items, with awesome arts community.  I loved my life in Kuala Lumpur.  Now I am coming back to my hometown in Palembang, South Sumatra, Indonesia where everything is a complete opposite. Where people are seemingly raising their voices for everything, it almost sounds like they are mad.  Where people are seemingly talking about each other. No kidding, everytime I sit down on the dinner table, there must be an infotainment show at the background or a family talk regards who talk about what and whom... like living is so unsecured here.  Back when I was in KL, I had literally zero influence of what I should do, whom I should hang out with and so on. I hate to live myself underwatch.  I hate it when people are trying to know what I am up to or what is my current business.  We all hate to be silently scrutinized.  We hate to live up to someone's expectation.

As a foreign graduate and a starting professional, people comes across as surprised to find out my arrival back to the hometown.  Many are thinking that I cannot handle the pressure living in Kuala Lumpur.  Many think and has said to me, "Why are you being here?  A foreign graduate is supposed to have their jobs overseas."

First, Thanks to your closed mind.

There is an Indonesian saying that goes "Lebih baik hujan batu di negeri sendiri, daripada hujan emas di negeri orang." which translates as, "I'd prefer a rain of stone in my own country, than a rain of gold in someone else's'.  Simply means that I enjoy the struggles living in my homecountry than all the perks in another country.

At least in Indonesia, I do not have to worry about a proper working document.  A visa is the main reason why I left Kuala Lumpur or Malaysia.  The process was complicated and hardly impossible to get.  I was underage when I applied for my working status, which I finally obtained much later with much tears and complicated immigration procedure.  I was only given a year visa. Though as much as I love KL, but I would love to be taken care of by better employer who understand my right's as a foreign employee.  Though, my job isn't necessarily suck but to be honest, that is not what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I figure I need to take another turn.  I applied to some agencies in KL, however, due my foreign status, they could not hire me and prepared my visa.  For some reasons, my previous employer was able to get a visa through a difficult complicated process. Unlike any other foreign workers, who might have just sit at their office and wait, the procedure dragged me from my office table at any day of the week and got my hands down dirty for the goal of this work document.  I felt I have been taken advantage because of my "Yes Man" trait.  It was supposed to be a company responsibility to fully handle the permit, because they hire me for the first place at least they gotta show some commitments if they wanted to hire me.

So that is the main reason I left.  for now, it is not because of the pressure but it is more of a fixed condition and I just cannot live like that forever, renewing permit for a short term.  I need to think about certainty and longevity. I know if I want to build my career, I need to do it in Indonesia.

So the question is... do I choose a career or a job?

In Malaysia, I have jobs but it is difficult to build a career, because Malaysian corporation, or any corporation anywhere in the world would prioritize their own citizens first, which is only reasonable.  In Indonesia, yes I can build a career but sadly the competition are getting tougher and un-transparant at some points.  Meanwhile, my parents are giving me a passive-aggresive expectation and said, "Yes, of course you can write.  You may join this company and work at their corporate comm." Well that means I am just going to write office emails and itinerary for the VIP, no?

I find an interesting article about why generation Y yuppies are unhappy.  Basically in the article, it was said that Generation Y are people who were born on the late 1970s to mid 1990s.  That includes me.  We are introduced to the stick-doodle-character named Lucy to explain the problem.

Mostly the generation Y who were raised by generation X, who were born in the 50s are receiving pressure, because the parents (Gen X) were taught to find life securities, jobs, better welfare and so on...  basically the value is different.  They care less about passion.  But in the other hand,

Generation Y has a large expectation on their dream career but they have not had any expertise to do so.  So the ambition might stay as well as a dream because Gen Y tends to think that they are so special and develop even higher expectation which leads to frustration and depression.

I admit that the article is profoundly right and it speaks so much about what I am currently dealing right now.  I face rejection and rejection, and I thought, maybe I have not find a suitable placement, a kind of 'too cool for school' attitude, but later I realise the opportunity comes less and lesser each day and it makes me frustrated.  At one point, I am made to realise how incompetence I am and everyday I got more confused to find my place.  But on the other side, I realise this is probably just a test and the right place and opportunity will come right at my doorstep if I keep on knocking.

It is hard to accept the fact of where I am standing right now.  I still have a huge ambition, I know this should not weaken it.  But somehow in the process of accepting myself, there are misperception, some thinks that I am weak and unable to retain the pressure.  I hate to waste energy to explain what is really going on.  But sometimes it hurts being accused as passive, weak and so on... But really, people are just selfish, they only want to believe of what they believe. And in most case the people are the important ones in your life, like your mother, father or your bestfriends.   It is hard to live without a certain support.  A support that will always be there for you without throwig judgement and expecation.  Someone who even shows neutrality and better, love...  But it only shows that, nobody knows who you are than yourself, and none can love yourself before you do.

And readers, for God's sake,  I have tried everything.  I even finish writing a novel but I have not found satisfaction and answer.  Then I realise, finding yourself is not as easy as traveling to Tibet and write a novel.  I guess it is something within you that begins with your full self-acceptance that will feed your ambition and conviction... and I am still finding it.

Oh yeah, in this occasion I would also like to say...

FUCK YOU

to those who openly judges me, whether you are a close or distant family and friend (the distant one comes up with harsher comment somehow)

to those who tries to scrutinize me

to those who find comfort in me when they fail

to those who seek entertainment in me for their missed accomplishment

to those who came to me with dramatic and exaggerated flair to their life stories,  I do not know how you do it but it starts to make me anxious too... and you know I am not good with that

Okay, I admit I am a bad daughter

I am a bad friend

But again give me a break, to realise everything I write is wrong and right at the same time

By this post, we owe each other lots of apologies to be made

But first of all, apologies to ourselves