My kind of pursuit of happiness

I do feel sexy...

When I am able to lose 10kgs in two months and feel the prematurely-formed body lines and hard rock abs as a result of punching the boxing bag 3 times a week

I do feel sexy...

When I look in the mirror and see that my jawline appears sharper this morning, my apple cheekbones look slimmer without pallete-contouring

I do feel sexy...

When I do not see any fat lumps on the back of my shirt and cellulite prints on a pair of jeans I should not wear anymore because they feel tighter on my skin

I do feel sexy... when I am desired by men

But when I define sexiness this way, I know I am letting a part of me to be hurt and destroyed

At the end of this long road, what I truly realize is

I am the sexiest

When I am confident in my own skin

When I am feeling capable of taking on challenges

When I am feeling in control 

Of my decisions

When I am able to laugh at my quirks and silliness

Cry at myself

Angry at myself

Then forgive myself

Because I am still learning how to get along with myself, constantly, everyday

Some days are difficult

Some days are easy... and it is OK.

Like any other poems, it was born from a quick and heartfelt post. It is easy for me to reminisce the life I have had. Two years ago, I was at the peak of my self-confidence. I was in a good shape as I worked out regularly. I was introduced with whole new world of spoken-word poetry and minds alike. I had flings, seriously, it was a good year of many good things. I traveled a lot and I came back with such a great confidence that fueled my daily activity.

I was a much happier person who always stay positive. But today, I do not feel like I am the same person anymore. I am happy and grateful, but it is like a different kind of happy. Because somehow I have faced some of the worst fears in my life and have put myself in different uncomfortable situations, which made me temporarily sad that I was thinking that it is not possible for me anymore to feel THAT happy. That 2014 definition of HAPPY--being busy and energetic. 

When I am sad,  I feel bad for, because I always think I am an emotional melancholic lump on the street that everybody notices. Nobody wants sadness, sadness draws negative energy. 

But you know, just like Riley in Inside Out (yes, I use the movie as a reference a lot) as you grow old you do not particularly feel one emotion at once, but also two or more. This is what I have been feeling. I used to feel the need to be pumped up, like going to the gym afterwork or spend a day out walking just to make me feel productive.

But I guess it is not like that anymore. Because, I am growing. And what makes me feel good about myself is that if I know I can take charge of my decisions and embrace my emotions. That I do not need to force myself to feel happy all the time and just let go. I do not need to make sure that happiness is something that I get externally from exercising or hanging out with interesting friends, but I need to learn that happiness is what comes internally too and it sometimes require the simplest thing and the simplest thought.... like family, close friends and just dessert.

Ya.

The point of happiness is to make you feel good and motivated. But I do not want to stretch too far to get my happiness til it frustrates me. That is why I also have a tendency to be allergic when I see a person who is way too happy. It is social media era and it just makes me cynical, that how come that boy or that girl always stays motivated? It is a bit of envying too, I feel.

I believe in three things if I see someone is being too happy:
1. They were just born extraverted/blissfully ignorant
2. They were born with privilege
3. They are putting brave faces
(and four) They are under drugs influence.

But that is just my thought

Keep doing what you are doing