A Kaleidoscope Year : January - February - March

Rise and Shine, Earthlings

How are you? I hope you are doing just fine. This is my first post in December, although it has been the second week of the month, or whatsoever. Honestly, I actually do not know what to write, but I felt like writing. So many things happen these days, positive things, but it's like I am running out of word to describe them.

Thus, it makes me realize that, 2012 has been a very adventurous year and it truly resembles a kaleidoscope. This year has been full of pain and gain. Therefore, I decided to write my timeline from January until the end. And if, the Mayans, or some scams, say that world would end on December, I personally think that I am just going to be alright then :)

I am going to start from the first quarter : January - February - March.

First of all let me tell you the real description of a "kaleidoscope". For those who think that kaleidoscope is an agenda or calendar, or any relative term. You are mistaken--I was mistaken. (For those who knows already, then I have nothing else to say but I am embarrassed by my knowledge). Kaleidoscope is a toy consisting of a tube containing mirrors and pieces of colored glass or paper, whose reflections produce changing patterns that are visible through an eyehole when the tube is rotated.

And I copy-paste that straight from my laptop's dictionary. I am just the brightest. And feel free to listen to "Kaleidoscope Heart" by Sara Bareilles to complement your reading.

January

It has been a meh and a rough start, January was. I spent my New Year on Genting with friends and some acquaintances. I remembered we rode inside a very short, little, sedan. It was a terrible  trip that I puked. And there they go, all my new year's steamboat down to the gutter.

I was still finishing the rest of my internship. It was very, emotionally hard. It had nothing to do with the workplace, it had been alright actually. I nearly lost two of my bestfriends, friendship-wise. This is my best kept secret until today, it had been very sensitive to talk, write about this. I didn't even make any ambiguous posting, poems, story, because clearly this was far from a muse. This was my nightmare.

It started in December 2011, we went for internships in different places. We were classmates and very close to each other, until the internship period we grew apart, temporarily. Of course, I missed them, but I was getting annoyed by the fact they managed to hang out with their 'other' friends a lot than me, during these justified busy time. I was being a baby back then and feeling a bit left-out, which was my biggest fear--I also don't know why it was. Later, I said something hurtful to them. Oh yeah, I didn't say it... I tweeted. Cool. I am a tweet-whore.

Thus it all started. The roughest time of my life, having two bestfriends, against you. It was killing me. I cried a lot. I nearly left my laptop bag on breakfast outlet, because I couldn't stop punishing myself by thought of hurting them, feeling irritated by their colds. I barely ate, barely sleep. I didn't want to go back to those times. EVER.

I was also feeling upset at the same time. But I didn't get to ask myself, "why don't I want to be left out?". Why was I so scared of being alone? Did people presence help me a lot to find security? What is it about having friends?

My mother always said to her--this faint-hearted daughter that, "You don't expect people to be nice or befriend you. You don't always have to attract them whatsoever. People will come into your life, then from here, you know who's willing to stay and who's not." -- well something like that. The quote wasn't exactly of what I remembered.

But then again, they are my 2 closest friends. They never hurt me. They are good people, and I am a good person. So this fight would have been an exception. There could be something wrong with me. It's no one's fault but mine, when I was trying not communicate my frustation well to them. We were all the bad guys, and I was the victim at the same time... and it was surely upsetting.

But then again, I have to learn something the hard way....

February

I spent most of my time in my hometown the whole month. Later we received depressing news about my mom's health, but thank god, she's been doing fine by the time of the writing, and I hope she'll be alright as always. But my mom lost her cheer because of the verdict, I too lost my cheer and it was very hard to leave home back to KL that time. Remembering that I had unsolved dispute with my friends, and now my mother needed support.

But I managed to spend times with my extended family in Medan. And they received me very well. It was a bit awkward though to interact with some of my cousins, because some of us are distant, but there are some who are just close. We managed to catch a movie, eat, movie, eat... you know Medan. I didn't know what exactly drove me to visit them and my grandmother. I guess the fight with my bestfriends play a role on this and had opened wider eyes on me but it was humbling. The visit also gave me a great support since I will fight for my study, future and all... Again, it really was humbling. 

March

I was starting back the routine of classes, assignments and all... And it was extremely hard because my concentration was still on my emotion and the dispute with my friends. So silly, we avoided talking and gazes in class, when normally we go bananas all the time. It was a torture really.

I was so lonely back then, and I was easily depressed. I was not in a good mood to arrange my dissertation but I managed. I also managed back to write, and this was the month when I thought I was going to write a book... well, count that as a distraction of the dispute. I needed to find other else activities. 

Short story about the book I was going to write. The story would be like two couples who were on vacation but then they cheat with their counterparts, and the setting was in exotic land of Bangkok. I wondered why did I go for that and of course the story didn't last long after three weeks I was just giving up. You can peek the story here : In reverse part 1

But again, I begun to write, ambitiously. Then I found it hard to divide times between dissertation and silly writings. But at least there was an output, a short story of mine who made a selection and featured in national's independent writers blog. Sorry I am not so talented, and I don't have anything else to brag about so here it is *again* the link : Lembar dan Kata

And why was I using writer's alias... never do that again!

Also, I missed Indonesia terribly, intense feeling after 3 years stay in KL. I wondered why. I used to be so careless about being homesick, heck, never felt homesick at all. Because I was part human, part heartless machine... so again, experience humbles me and makes me humane. I went back to Palembang on my mother's birthday on a surprise trip and it was so good to see her doing better.