The green circle

Maybe I am still getting used to look up for the green circle on my screen

The one that indicates that you are here

You, maybe inside bedroom of yours

With two windows open

One for playing your favorite online games

The other one is to send me signal by the said green circle

That said yes, I am here

Then, there is me

Inside bedroom of mine

Laying on my stomach on the foreground of my mattress

Chin sitting on my hand

Puzzling through question that I have already had the answer to

The green circle is never for me

It is just there to indicate nothing

I know I have no claim of you

And I know I cannot ask much

But at least, by knowing the presence of the green circle

I feel a lot less lonely

A lot safer

By the green circle

I am allowing myself to turn back into a 16-year-old girl

While, in fact, I am growing into this, a 21-year-old young woman

Who is mature enough to live by her own

To choose a man for her own good

To find a man, not a boy, that is able to appreciate her

Body, soul and mind

To think about her in most of his time, like the way she does to him

And, I have not found him

Yet, I am still trying to extract him out from you

Although I know that he is not here

Then, why the hell am I sitting here writing you another poem?

I feel angry and stupid

For me

For my best friends who keeps telling me to stop

Stop

"He is not worth for your chase

You should be finding a guy who chase you instead

We are female..."

Those kinds of unfeminist crap of advice

Which I cannot tolerate because my mind has already been consumed by the thought of you

Overgrown infatuation that has become an obsession

But now I am trying to let go

Words by words

One poem to another

And pasting every message onto the wall like a mural

In hope that when you and your green circle walk pass

You will capture every heartbreak and blessing

That you have caused me in

This act is kiddish

But my feelings are not

Although a bit pathetic

I just want to outgrow you

Please,

I used to look up for the green circle on my screen

The one that indicates that you are here

But now even your name does not appear