Losing my religion, finding God

I have never thought that one point I would question about what's happening around me. What are served on the silver platter. My mom always says that "religion" comes first and you shouldn't deny the gift of religion to humankind. Religion regulates and directs us towards a better way of life.

I am a person of faith. I pray regularly. I hesitate when someone asks me out for a drink. I avoid having sexual contacts. However that doesn't stop me to make friends with people from different religious backgrounds, that includes free thinkers and atheists, namely these people whom my mom never become friends with.

Now, seeing everybody destroys family, relationship and even a country by using the words of a religion or a way of life is just making my faith thin. I know that it doesn't have always to do anything with me, but there comes a point, where I feel lost.

I do not want to abandon religion, because I hate to abandon or betray God. For He has given all the best things for me. I don't want to upset Him. I am a practitioner of my faith. But now, I slowly practice less and less, because I don't see there is any point to hide this confusion and spiritual battle to him. I believe that He can read the deepest thoughts and emotions that I barely even feel or say. It is just a waste to pretend my ways to Him. I see religion as discipline and order, and God is where I lay my spirituality and faith.

I am not an easily-influenced person. I am actually rather stubborn and critical. It doesn't mean that I set my value because I befriend people with different views, I think this view develops over time as my logic and empathy grow.

At the end, I achieve peace. I don't want to identify myself with any religion or practice. But I want to always identify myself as a person of faith, the human of God, who is intelligent, wise and peace-loving. I am not a saviour, but I will do my best to spread kindness, comfort, strength and wisdom I have to people around me.

For people who knows me, this may not what you want to hear from me, but this is my truth and I am not going to promote my belief/truth to you. Writing this means I am giving myself a sense of peace, acceptance, courage and reminder of who I truly am.