When you told me, "I love you as a friend"

When you said, "I love you as a friend"
I figure out where exactly my heart is and I actually have one
Here —

A place I mark with X 

just like a treasure spot on a map
Where there is a sensitive object I hide underneath this skin, 

I am not willing to share with anyone

When you said, "I love you as a friend"
I press the mark with my fingers
Then I feel the same burn 

the same way I poke into a new bruise I get 

After I rush into an empty space and smash into this unseen wall ahead of me

The wound has no shape neither color,

it is invisible 

But if you'd ask me what color and size would it be

It'd be as big as an arcade game token in a shape of flowers

My swollen pores make eerie-looking petals of green and blue
Everytime I press it, it gets deeper until I can feel my bones

until I cannot tell the difference between "numb" and "burn"

When you wrote to me, "I love you as a friend"

I thought it will leave me in peace and I am sure of it
But I'd let your words break me down to pieces first
Until I find my remain fitting in into circles and triangles of questions,
Collecting yet more bruises, in the search of my place and definition
I figure out — still wondering

How many corrections I have to make until everything falls in the right place
What is it, that is so unloved about me?

When you wrote to me, "I love you as a friend"
I just I want to rewrite the whole history

Right now, my life is a motion picture in a giant screen

I am watching it rolls at the edge of my seat

The split screen between 'expectation' and 'reality' has now disappeared

I run the staircase down and escape into the large highway in front of me

My character ends up in pencil strikes and dark strokes

She blends in a melodramatic backsound

But I am okay,

I will tell you that I will always be okay,

Because I am the hero of my own story and I do not need to be saved.

When you wrote to me, "I love you as a friend."

Then I will love you as a friend, eventually

But tonight, I am trapped into this pop-culture references

Tom Hansen and Summer Finn

Ted Mosby and Robin Scherbatsky

Harry and Sally

Meanwhile knowing you would be sleeping next to her tonight, 

It'd be just killing me 

But I have always believed I was created with strings attached to my back,

And by now, I writhe hard on one of the desperate thread

Fighting against the course of fate and your apology

For everything you have made me feel

For everything which does not make sense today

Maybe someday I will understand

And we both will laugh about today

I get you Tom