Being Mediocre

Afternoon Earthlings,

By the time of this writing, I am sitting on my office desk--or chair--specifically, waiting for materials to delivered before I arrange it into a presentation. We will leave in about less than an hour. I know I should be constantly checking for material, but I put my highest to trust to the person in charge. 

Hence, I spent most of my time waiting to browse for blogs or news feed from social media. Reading and catching updates of mild or heavy news, those boring things I used to label on the past, has been my discipline lately. I find it benefiting, although I need to spoonfed everything to my brain. Sometimes, I feel like a crying baby, forced to eat something. The feeling is sickening, but I always have the need to do so.

So, this afternoon, I came across some writing blogs and friend blogs in Indonesian, some newsfeed that says some strangers and friends are going to publish stories and books . Earthlings, this is something that I hold quite a long time, ever since, I started this blog. I miss writing in Indonesian. And those writings that I read, are sublime. I used to be a good writer. I remembered during junior high/high school, I could write whatever. I used to be so careless. I wrote poems about Sun and The Solar system, I wrote stories about time-travel... but where do they all go? Those carelessness. I got compliments and I also got some mockery from what I write because readers think that I pen absurd stories. But that doesn't matter, I like reading what I have written and that was enough. I admit, that many people do not understand my writing. Some says it is a good thing, because that is what most writers feel about their own writings. For me, it is both negative and positive thing.

I am not a person who likes a common touchy, tear-squeezing stories, those materials that are successfully marketable to the public. Also, I am a bit skeptic to something mainstream (or jealous maybe because I don't really live up to such expectation) So I guess, it is not a bad thing at all that people do not understand my writing. Because that's what differs me from those touchy and feely writers and their stories. However, I do not want to be pretentious and exclusive because I see no points in that. That is why many indie young filmmakers, writers and musicians are failing from trying so hard. They forget to communicate and therefore lost in their own distortion. I will not let the same mistakes happening or repeating in me.

Now, I realize that I am not missing writing in Indonesian. I miss writing and its all general sense.

I know I can write in whatever language I am comfort to. Name it English, Indonesian, and probably Urdu... heck, language is a tool for communication. Some says break against your comfort zone, but, I do not know where my comfort zone is... so tell me where to start. I have not yet perfected my English and I am losing sense and ability to write in Indonesian. I am still getting references for both language as much as possible. It has been a year and counting, but I barely see the outcome.

This month, I feel like not being productive as I was during previous months. I have many things I need to put concentrate on, especially about my job. There are wonderful things going on lately that I have not yet written in monologues and stories, and I will always look forward to those time I will be able to do so.

I want to write forever. Because I am not gonna going through my lifetime sitting behind working space 24/7, do laundry and shop for groceries on the weekend, having the same meal in the same place, and perform same routine everyday. I am not going to rot and growing old in monotony.

Isn't it arrogant to say that I refuse to live in mediocrity, because I am destined to do greater? Some people that support me, they believe in me, sometimes more than I believe in myself. I can get quite skeptical quite few times. Maybe those supports are just efforts they make to make me positive. Maybe they are just being nice. 

All and all, that is why writing is important to me. I don't want to live a mediocre life for the rest of my life. I am done being underdog. I am done being normal. I believe in my talent. Tell me, is it me being an aspiring writer or me being just another attention-whore? That is the recurring question I always ask everyday to me, and I have not yet found the answer.

What if I am not a natural-born writer? Some says talent can be developed overtime, but my friends, to find out the answer, is one of my big fears in life.